Relationship Help for Loneliness in Marriage
Feeling a little “uncoupled” from your mate of late? Like you’re living two separate lives and don’t know each other like you once did? Relationship help is minutes away, and more importantly, you are not alone! A 2018 Pew Research Center survey found that 1 in 10 Americans say they feel lonely or isolated from those around them all or most of the time.
It’s an uneasy feeling to be out of step with those you love, but it may be a relief to know that you’re not the only ones. In fact, it’s actually normal to experience your marriage this way. Dr. Gary Brown, a licensed family and marriage therapist in Los Angeles explains, “Even in the very best of relationships, there are going to be those times when one or both partners may have drifted apart and feel somewhat distant and estranged from one another,” he says.
The forces working against couples today will, without some intentional counter measures, draw you apart. And the reason I’m talking about this is because I care about your body chemistry…it’s numero uno important to healing your body. Relationship stress predisposes you to all the symptoms of Leaky Gut Syndrome, and loneliness has a chemical imprint all it’s own that is a similar form of stress. So whatever you and I can do to relieve stress and loneliness in our relationships is a top priority right now.
Mountain Man and I have been married for 35 years. We’ve raised 9 kids and built and sometimes buried several small businesses. There have been good years and some really difficult years. And like most couples, we’ve felt less on the same page than we once were, so we attended our first Marriage Seminar. And among other good things, we learned this cool technique for syncing up and getting back in step.
THE SCIENCE – Why This Works
In 2018, Harvard Natural Sciences Dept demonstrated an exercise in “linear dynamics” that physicists in the 1600’s had already uncovered.
In the demonstration, five metronomes are set to a certain frequency but all at different phases and are placed on a Foam Core board. No energy or information passes between them and they keep on ticking to their own cadence.
But when empty soda cans are placed underneath, the board is free to move from side to side and the metronomes are able to influence each other into synchronization. They actually get in sync with eachother by swaying gently.
And you know what’s even more amazing? Even if the metronomes are set to entirely different frequencies, they still sync up when they sway. But, note this part. When the cans are removed, the metronomes are no longer physically coupled and all of them begin to fall out of step again.
Which is why it’s important to sync up Every Day (you’ll see.)
How it Works in Marriage
Most marriages begins with starry eyes and a crisp picture of how totally amazing it’s going to be to be married. And some of those expectations may naturally become your reality. But other expectations will be disappointed…because neither of you could see clearly what marriage and family would really require. It has to unfold as you go.
Pretty soon you may discover that you don’t actually share the same mind and that for a mixed bag of reasons …your views are more fixed than flexible, and you begin to feel out of step, or uncoupled. You both no longer march to the beat of the same drum and just like the metronomes, less energy or information flows between the two of you. You may even feel after a few years or a few children, that you no longer “know” each other. Remember that even in the very best relationships, there will be times…
Bringing it Back with Elementary Physics
One way to bring your hearts and heads back in sync as you learn to appreciate and work with your differences is to spend 3 minutes a day “coupling up”. A mother knows that rocking a crying baby will bring comfort and belonging to her child. Well, it works for big people too! Even for two who aren’t sure how much they like each other right now. (If that happens to be your case.)
Do this first and it will open doors for deeper exploration. It’s an elementary law of physics. Apply linear dynamics with your significant other by “Swaying” every day and you’ll feel a shift together. Here’s how it works. (Yes, these step by step instructions are necessary.)
The Sway A Day Challenge
Once a Day
Either first thing in the morning, or the first moment you see each other in the evening, invite your mate to Sway. The answer’s always “Yes”. (This works best for us the minute my man walks through the door on weeknights. I can hear the garage door opening so I have about 30 seconds to find a good stopping point with whatever I’m doing. Just jump up and grab it. It’s SO worth the time.)
You can talk about your day, or this Sway afterwards. You’re just holding each other, getting ‘off the ground’ and swaying to the music. This is linear dynamics helping your relationship on the daily. And every partner relationship is worth the time it takes.
3 Tips to set you up for success:
#1 Don’t wait until you both feel like it, or until there’s nothing else going on. Prioritize swaying right when you see each other at the beginning or end of your work day and establish the daily habit.
#2 Have a handful of chill sway songs ready to play on your smart phone or start your own “Swaylist” of favorites. Nostalgia from your teenage years or when you both were dating can influence you into synchronization too! (“Reminiscing” by The Little River Band tops my list right now. )
#3 Warning: this may actually feel awkward the first few times. Especially if you haven’t danced together for a thousand years. Just lean into the pain, and everything will be alright. SO worth it!
Leave a comment below or message me on Social Media. I’d love to hear how it goes!
Remember, this too is for posterity so… be honest! 💃🏻🕺