Recent research, published in the Journal of Clinical Medicine (2023), takes a closer look at the connection between gut microbial diversity and Ankylosing Spondylitis. Led by Dr. Chen and colleagues, the study investigated the microbial profiles of individuals with Ankylosing Spondylitis and sought to identify patterns that may contribute to the disease.
The findings revealed a significant correlation between reduced microbial diversity and the severity of Ankylosing Spondylitis symptoms. Individuals with a less diverse gut microbiome exhibited higher levels of inflammation and joint involvement. This suggests that maintaining a rich and varied array of gut bacteria may be crucial for mitigating the impact of AS.
The study by Chen et al. not only observed the association between microbial diversity and AS severity but also delved into potential mechanisms underlying this connection. One key discovery was the influence of the gut microbiome on the production of short-chain fatty acids (SCFAs), compounds known for their anti-inflammatory properties.
Individuals with AS demonstrated lower levels of SCFAs, particularly butyrate, a substance linked to immune regulation and inflammation reduction. This deficiency in beneficial SCFAs may contribute to the persistent inflammation seen in AS patients, highlighting the intricate interplay between the gut and immune system.
Understanding the importance of microbial diversity and SCFAs in AS opens doors for proactive measures to support gut health. While more research is needed, adopting lifestyle and dietary habits that foster a diverse gut microbiome may be beneficial for individuals with Ankylosing Spondylitis.
Studies have shown that a diet rich in fiber, incorporating fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, can promote microbial diversity. Additionally, fermented foods and probiotics may introduce beneficial bacteria into the gut, potentially contributing to a more balanced microbiome. But if you’ve already developed AS, this recommended change in diet may bring some relief, but will not transform the microbiome overnight. Overgrowths of invasive species within the microbiome can be addressed directly and then the favorable dietary changes will support maintaining a healthy microbiome from that point forward.
Over the last decade in my work coaching clients one on one, I've honed the following system for relieving autoimmune diseases of all kinds, including AS. Here is the simple blueprint. It contains the fewest steps for fastest recovery (in the shortest time.)
Do whatever it takes to clear the biggest channel of elimination every day. With joint pain, you'll feel, right away, the difference that increasing your output of stool makes. Take 1-2 teaspoons Tumtree Prebiotic Gut Sponge mixed in juice or water. If you haven't had a bowel movement in the last 24 hrs, you might take a capsule of vegetable laxative like cascara sagrada or senna leaf as well. If you’re uncomfortable enough, doing an overnight GI cleanse with Gut Sponge is recommended. Each bowel movement will bring another leap forward in relief to your back and achy joints.
Avoid all sweets, dairy and baked goods from refined grains (anything that spikes insulin) until the area heals. Focus on lots of veggies, clean animal protein and healthy fat (nuts, seeds, avos, coconut products). Elevated insulin means elevated inflammation, and sweet also feeds mold and fungus which are not the microbes you want to encourage.
While you're eating well and avoiding sugary foods, hit it hard with Tumtree’s 30 Day Reboot to clear the gut of all bad bacteria, mold, yeasts and fungus. If this isn’t your first go round with inflamed joints, and especially if antibiotic use preceded your pain, consider stepping up to a full 30 day Reboot to alkalize and restore balance to all your mucous membranes, especially those that line your moveable joints. Your satisfaction is always guaranteed, or your money back. (A guarantee you won't get from your doctor or pharmacy.)
Glutamine cuts recovery time for muscle repair AND it restores proper permeability to the inner lining of the gut which is important for proper immune function. Torn, pulled or sprained muscles and ligaments respond noticeably to leveling up your glutamine stores as well. For more on the benefits of supplemental Glutamine, Click Here.
Once you’ve cleared off some real estate inside the gut, begin supplementing heavily with Tumtree’s Probiotic Blend to restore a robust population of the friendly bacteria that protect your gut lining and properly regulate the immune system. By the time you've been diagnosed with an autoimmune condition, you may already be sensitive to fermented foods which can contain small amounts of alcohol. For the first 30 days, a non fermented source of friendly bacteria is recommended.
Jacob Ballsteadt has suffered from Ankylosing Spondylitis since age 19. See what he saw when he employed our protocol for relief.
You can read hundreds of customer reviews and watch more 2 minute videos from people who’ve helped themselves to greater wellbeing by healing their gut microbiome with Tumtree’s 30 Day Reboot program.
Curious? Reach out on our live text chat with any questions. We’re sure you’ll have some. Just look for the little blue bubble on our website. We’re here to help.
Each winter, millions of people suffer from seasonal flu. Flu—the short name for influenza—is caused by viruses. Viruses are very small germs. Outside a living cell, a virus is a dormant particle, lacking the raw materials for reproduction. Only when it enters a host cell does it go into action, hijacking the cell’s metabolic machinery to produce copies of itself that may burst out of infected cells or simply bud off a cell membrane. Some viruses can spread easily from one person to another. They cause illnesses or infections like the flu. But humans have far more power against viral infections than most people know.
Truthfully, no one is as invested in your own wellbeing as you are. Not even your medical advisors. From every angle, only you have primary responsibility for your wellbeing, not your primary care physician. Learn for yourself what really works, and take your doctors advice as just that, another opinion.
At Tumtree, we're prepared for Spring flu season including Covid, Influenza, Swine flu, viral warts, Epstein Barr and any other viral infection or immune deficiency by employing the natural measures below.
These methods have been highly effective at keeping my own family of 11 healthy year after year, while flu shot takers who don't know about these measures fall to the flu a week or two at a time all around us. Our family has stayed in the game year round, never missing out on life for more than a day every few years.
After a bad reaction to childhood vaccines for one of our babies, I woke up to the inherent risks of innoculating small bodies and brains with inappropriate levels of aluminum and preservative. I also discovered the rising epidemic of autism that calls into question vaccine safety and talked with so many parents of autistic kids with the same heartbreaking story -- Healthy baby until multiple vaccine doses changed their babies brain for the worse.
For 25 years now, I've not revered flu shots or vaccines as the holy grail of health that the establishment believes them to be. Instead I prefer focusing on building a strong immune system and sharing this knowledge and understanding wherever I have influence. Whether you vax or not, the information that follows will help you witness for yourself how powerful letting "food be your medicine" can be.
Here are my 11 best tips for building a strong balanced microbiome to create your best natural protection against infection from microbes of all kinds, including viruses.
Did you know that your blood shows lab evidence of a lowered immune system within 30 minutes of eating simple sugars (like glucose, refined sugar, and fructose). First it causes a 50% reduction in your white blood cells’ abilities to kill germs. White blood cells are our “friendly fighters” that surround and gobble up bacterial, fungal and viral invaders. This effect is most noticeable 2 hours after eating sugary treats, but is still present even 5 hours later. Read the study here.
In a 2020 study, How Blood Sugar Can Trigger a Deadly Immune Response in the Flu and Possibly COVID-19, the research revealed at a detailed molecular level how high levels of glucose in the blood can be activated by flu infection and lead to an out-of-control immune response called a "cytokine inflammatory response" or cytokine storm.
Keeping blood sugar levels healthy has been shown to improve immune system activity on many levels, including the insulin/glucagon cycle where blood sugars release insulin and insulin triggers the manufacture of histamine and cortisol... all not good for healing the body or fighting infection.
Help your kids see the connection between their intake of sugars and feeling unwell. You don’t have to harp on it or be the sugar Nazi, just help them uncover how much was too much sugar for their immune system to take. They'll find it within about 24 hrs of feeling ill. The correlation is amazing.
Memo to the Moms: Stock up on ready snacks that are low glycemic or keto friendly especially during flu season. We like fresh veggies with dip (carrots, celery, broccoli, cauliflower, Terra Chips (root vegetables) or Sweet Potato chips dipped in hummus, guacamole or Unranch dressing from The Feel Good Cookbook.). Treat your family to delectable keto desserts like Chocolate Mug Cakes, Berries N' Fairies or French Vanilla ice cream using no sugar sweeteners from my new Reboot Recipes Cookbook. If you're selective about your sweeteners, no one needs to feel deprived, even during flu season.
These include coconut oil, raw garlic, oregano, ginger, kimchi and other fermented foods. (Thankfully our Korean Exchange Daughter introduced us and we always have some in the fridge.) Body Balance capsules and Body Balance Liquid both contain antiviral herbs like mediterranean oregano and myrrh gum which kick virus in the booty at first signs of illness. In addition to having antiviral properties, the combination of herbs in Body Balance hits a broad spectrum of invasive species from E.coli, strep, staph, to candida yeast and fungus.
They are full of antioxidants which will destroy the free radicals that weaken our immune system and are responsible for making us feel sick when we catch a bug. Each color provides different antioxidant power – so be sure to eat a rainbow every day! If your kids aren’t the hugest vegetable eaters yet, give them their antioxidant dose in a smoothie packed with fruits AND veggies (see The Feel Good Cookbook for several sweet veggie smoothies we love). Use that smoothie to make jello with grass-fed gelatin or popsicles, sneak pureed vegetables into your spaghetti sauce, soups, chilis, or whatever else you can think of – be creative!
Stick to water, coconut water, herbal teas, and bone broth. No soda or sugary drinks. We love Izzy fruit sweetened sodas for a special treat, but even those will go if there's infection in the house. How do you know how much water to drink? Divide your body weight (in pounds) in half and drink that number in ounces! Do you come close?
Bone broth has amazing immune-supporting properties. Use it in breakfast smoothies, soups and curry sauces. Glutamine is the nutrient in bone broth that keeps the gut, muscles and bones supplied with materials for repair. If bone broth doesn’t suit you, take supplemental glutamine a spoonful a day in water.
The probiotics contained in fermented foods have tremendous immune boosting powers. In fact, the fermented Korean cabbage, kimchi, was found to have significant effects in preventing and fighting the H1N1 influenza virus! Other examples of delicious fermented foods to try include sauerkraut, pickles (try “real” pickles without added vinegar like Bubbies), miso, kefir, and kombucha.
Getting out in the sun for 20 minutes a day will help your body produce it’s own Vitamin D (the “pro-survival molecule.) Plus, moderate exercise can boost the production of macrophages, the kind of white blood cells that “eat” bacteria and viruses. However, intense exercise can actually temporarily decrease immune function – so don’t overdo it!
An increase in sleep actually increases the number of your white blood cells. For optimum immune function, kids need 9-10 hrs. Teens (age 13-18) need 8-10, and adults age 18-65+ need 7-9 hrs. according to the CDC.
On the other hand, loss of sleep even for a few hours at night, increases inflammation in our body which makes us more susceptible to catching the flu and having more severe symptoms. So make sure your whole family is getting enough zzzz’s.
Emotional stress creates physiological stress in our bodies that lowers our immune defenses and makes us more vulnerable to illness. Stress has been shown to lower our white blood cells’ abilities to kill germs, and actually creates more inflammation that may make us feel even sicker. For guidance on how to help manage your child’s stress naturally, take a look at Releasing Anxiety in Kids - One Simple Tool for some great tips.
I've saved the best for last. Here are the 2 most powerful secrets that keep my family on their feet during flu season. They're always in my back pocket, or kitchen cupboards rather, and they unplug my stress concerning any kind of illness. I'm SO deeply grateful for both of these!
Make infections “tap out” by sweeping the gut with Exodus Prebiotic Sponge and following with Body Balance capsules or liquid to escort invasive species out of the body. Begin your sweep by taking 2-3 teaspoons of Exodus Prebiotic Fiber mixed in diluted juice or water and drink it down every 2 hrs until you've taken 10-15 teaspoons total.
Every adult over 30 should be taking 5000 units of vitamin D during the winter months when people aren’t outdoors in the sun producing their own vitamin D and when the wave of COVID-19 cases spikes annually around the globe. Also 2-3000mg of vitamin C, and no more than 40 g of zinc.
Some super exciting insights have arisen out of COVID research in the last 18 months about the necessity of Vitamin D in combating viral infection, particularly COVID19. Everyone who goes into the hospital with severe Covid infection is apparently deficient in vitamin D …across-the-board. And it’s not that Covid is using up their D. It appears that it actually wasn’t there to begin with.
Vitamin D has a handklaviyo_trigger on the lever that regulates cytokine activity from the immune system. Without it, this regulation doesn’t exist. It also acts as a steroid hormone to cut and calm inflammation. So it’s super important to the body‘s immune response during an infection.
A major reason why people of color have been more susceptible to Covid19 than lighter skin people is now thought to be because the natural melanin in their skin blocks the sun‘s UVB rays from forming vitamin D under the skins surface. These people are naturally deficient in vitamin D and therefore more susceptible, but so are a whole slew of lighter skin people who don't get outside in the sun, especially as you get over 40.
Dr. Roger Schuelt (4 times board certified) of the medical site MedCram recommends everyone, even healthy people take just 4-5000 IU per day during flu season and winter months to protect against viral infection especially Covid19. When you take your 5k iu with 90 mg of vitamin K2 the uptake is complete and this eliminates any vitamin D3 toxicity. You can find D3 with the appropriate amount of K2 encapsulated together for convenience.
A 20,000 participant study of people with Covid infection hospitalized in India over many months (known as the Shade study) found Vitamin D deficiency to be true across all participants. They put half of them on megadoses of vitamin D3 (10 times the normal RDA) over a period of seven days and had really promising results in breaking the virus. According to Roger Schuelt MD, the Placebo group had 50% of patients needing intensive care, 7% died, and in the vitamin D group, only 2% of patients needed intensive care and none of them died. That is a remarkable difference. One that ever person should know about.
Of 20,000 participants none had toxic effects from taking this much vitamin D over 7 days.
Vitamin C therapy is the secret weapon that few of our mothers understood. We need only a small daily amount of it (less than 100 mg), that is UNLESS we’re fighting off infection. At that point, the body actually can absorb and make use of up to 20 times the Recommended Daily Allowance. To review a very encouraging recent study using vitamin C therapy on patients succumbing to COVID Sepsis click here.
I’m stocking supplemental Vitamin C in 2 forms - sodium ascorbate powder (provides fastest uptake and is inexpensive) plus liposomal vitamin C capsules (for great absorption and convenience).
To top off your body's stores of Vitamin C in order to give maximum fight to infection, Take 1,000 milligrams Vitamin C every hour from morning til whenever you get a sloshy bowel movement usually by dinnertime. Then stop for today. That’s your flushpoint or the maximum amount your body can absorb into your tissues. The next day. Take 75% of the flush point amount in divided doses (every 1 or 2 hours spread evenly throughout the day. Do this over the next 4-5 days. You’ll feel the affects as congestion breaks up and lungs become relieved throughout that first day. Keep going with the Vitamin C at intervals daily until you feel sloshy or until symptoms are all gone. This technique has worked wonders for acute respiratory infection in our big family and in our online community. Vitamin C fact sheet from National Institutes of Health (NIH).
Take the opportunity to learn from circulating viral flu in 2022 just how powerful your body's microbiome can be against it, when it gets the support it needs.
Does this plan make sense to you?
What else are you doing to build your defenses?
Please leave a comment.
Let's learn together!
Read Reviews from customers who've overcome viral infections quickly using the suggestions listed above.
1 min Videos about Beating Viral Infection
Relationships with members of the opposite sex can provide loving connection and belonging but when they aren't going well, they trigger stress, frustration, isolation and grief. What that means on your insides is elevated adrenalin & cortisol, decreased dopamine & suppressed immunity that wreck your peace of mind and eventually your gut.
In fact, the emotional side of chronic mold, yeast and fungal overgrowth is 'resentment molding in the gut' (ie. wishing circumstances were different than they are). If you've ever blamed your guy for not listening, or for being selfish, or not caring enough... this post's for you!
You'll learn 3 secrets to understanding the men and boys in your life that will help you engage with them in healthier ways and see them as different by design instead of deficient in some way.
New research in neuroscience confirms that male and female brains differ significantly in processing, chemistry, structure and activity and that these differences show up all over the world. My favorite part of embracing this new view of men is how it's invited the intense woman living inside my head (and in every woman's head for that matter) to take a long break and maybe never come back.
Secret #1: Your capacity for conversation is larger than his.
In his book, Raising Boys by Design, Gregory Jantz, Ph.D. explains that before boys or girls are born, their brains develop with different hemispheric divisions of labor. The right and left hemispheres of the male and female brains are not set up exactly the same way. For instance, females tend to have verbal centers on both sides of the brain, while males tend to have verbal centers on only the left hemisphere.
This is a significant difference. Girls tend to use more words when describing incidences, people, objects or feelings while males not only have fewer verbal centers but also, often, have less connectivity between their word centers and their memories or feelings. When it comes to discussing feelings and emotions and senses together, girls have an advantage, and they tend to have more interest in talking about these things.
If you're like most women, you expect your man to listen for as long as you want to talk, and then feel marginalized if he falls asleep or tunes you out before you're finished. While men love a good story and good conversation, their minds are designed to find and fix, to protect and provide rather than savoring all the subtle nuances of light and shadow a females verbal centers can express in a day. His capacity for listening is usually met long before you can unload every detail.
Rather than feel frustrated or angry that he's reached his capacity before you got to the really good stuff, try Choosing 3 details to share from your day or your weekend away and if he'd like to know more he can inquire further later. ...Which he probably will do.
Women still need other women who match their capacity for talking and listening to help them sort through and draw out meaning from the details of their lives. Your man is very capable of processing and discerning solutions, but he may want to get to them much sooner than you do.
Male brains utilize nearly seven times more gray matter for activity while female brains utilize nearly ten times more white matter. What does this mean? Gray matter directs information and action-processing centers which can translate to a kind of tunnel vision when men are doing something. White matter is the networking grid that connects the brain's gray matter and other processing center with one another.
This profound gray-white matter difference may explain why, in adulthood, females are great multi-taskers, while men excel in highly task-focused projects. So, men tend to be focused intently on a single task at a time. Unlike women, they don't have a dozen things flying through their head at once. They're either watching the ballgame OR they're listening to you. Not both.
In contrast, women tend to be alerted to multiple inputs all the time. This is how a woman can feed the baby, field a phone call, remember where Lulu left her shoes and keep the stew from burning on the stove...all at the same time.
Men are generally amazed that the women they walk with can keep track of so many things at once. Have you ever asked your man a question while the TV is on, and felt hurt that he ignored your query? He honestly didn't hear you. Even if there is no noise in the room and he has a magazine in front of him. ...And two minutes into your explanation he looks up and says, "Were you talking to me?" and you think, "oh. my. word. Who else would I be talking to?"
Then we blame our man for being insensitive or uncaring about what we have to say or what we want his help with. His focus is truly on only one thing at a time.
Before making a request of your man, be sure you've interrupted his single task focus. A soft squeeze on the arm...or a kiss on the cheek will do the trick. He's far more open to assisting you and providing whatever you need than you think. Set him up for success in providing help, support or a listening ear for you by getting his attention first.
Another notable difference between the sexes is their relationship with their own basic needs. A mans primal brain, including the almond shaped amygdala is much larger than a womans. It is!
The primitive brain knows it's need for survival and prioritizes those needs (food, sleep, sex). Their survival needs are hardwired into them.
Women who bear a much smaller amygdala find their limbic system overridden much more easily by other inputs, ie., the needs of the herd, of her partner, the offspring and whether or not the oven was left on.
Largely due to her wiring, a woman gives and adapts away her own needs and her wants until soon, she doesn't know what she wants or needs anymore. She's forgotten how to take a bubble bath, read a magazine she loves or take care of getting the rest and good food she needs.
Women often resent the men in their lives for their more balanced approach to meeting their own basic needs. Just ask the men in your life, when the last time was that they forgot to pee. If men need to go to the bathroom, this need interrupts their single task focus and zoom, they go to the bathroom and get it done. Women, on the other hand, may easily be distracted on the way to the bathroom by that quick phone call to the school or wiping up the spilled applesauce or finishing the one task at hand before taking a break to pee. Then hours later she realizes that she never did go to the bathroom. Right?
Because a woman's connection to her basic needs can easily be interrupted by what's going on in her environment, the chances are much higher that something more demanding or seemingly more important will hit her radar and draw her off track from meeting the need. It's just a much looser connection to meeting her own needs than for men.
Men also have the ability to supplant their needs and wants in the moment, but remember their most basic needs (food, sleep and sex) are hardwired into them. Generally speaking, when a man is hungry, it's a primal need to feed himself. He'll want to stop for something to eat on the drive home from work or wander into the pantry for a snack...even though he can see you're putting the finishing touches on dinner.
When he's tired, he'll catch some z's right there on the couch or excuse himself to go to bed while life goes on around him and your world keeps on spinning. Women often blame men for being lazy, or selfish or pigheaded because we don't, ourselves, exhibit this kind of selfcare. Instead women adapt away their own needs for food, sleep and comfort quite easily and then resent the male race for staying in better balance.
Consider that your man's relationship with his basic needs is healthy and efficient. He's not waiting around for someone else to monitor his need for sleep or transition time from work, or a morning out doing what he loves. And best of all, he bears no resentment toward you for not filling this need for him.
Allow his ease at keeping a better balance to inspire you and grant you quiet permission to stand up and take care of your own needs too. Enlist his help if you need it, he loves the feeling he gets from providing whatever his woman needs. And right here is a great place to start.
Because women are natural givers and adapters, it may take some focus and introspection to identify what your basic needs are right now. Is it sleep? Are you feeding yourself energy sustaining food? Would treating yourself to some dabble time thumbing through a magazine, going for a walk or taking a bubble bath feel self-nurturing for you today?
By filling your own bucket doing something non-productive that you enjoy just a few minutes a day, you'll be delighted at how this activates your feminine energy and helps you feel seen and heard and empowered. If you need your man's support in order to get this feminizing dabble time, the conversation could look like this...
"Honey, I want to ____________(name the activity). It would help me feel more balanced and calm if that could happen _______(say when). Would you be able to provide that for me?" Men are natural, able providers and love to be acknowledged for their role in providing balance, calm, and whatever else their family needs. No guilting or shaming him if you haven't made this request before.
Just keep it short and sweet and bite your tongue until you get his verbal agreement. Then pour on the praise, "Thank you so much for making that possible for me. I'm pretty excited to have that experience." Thank him again after your reprieve and use the words "great provider" and "making that possible" and any other posative flattering terms that fit. He will love it. And it's your first step to feeling more calm and more adored by him.
With these 3 Secrets in your pocket, you're on your way to recognizing the Intense Woman living inside every woman's head. What's more, learning how to silence her will open your eyes and your heart to greater peace with the men in your life. For more on The Intense Woman and how she wrecks relationships checkout Trina Glines on Youtube, or her podcast, Elevate Your Marriage and Life. Her 10 week online course, Taming Jane Academy is excellent for opening your mind to appreciate the differences between men and women.
You'll also embrace these differences as beneficial in a marriage and in any male/female partnership. Best of all, Trina unlocks the hidden key for being adored by your man in the way you've always wanted.
You'll never regret your investment in learning how to do your part better and with greater ease than you have before. This knowledge is power! And every step towards greater peace and love means better chemistry for your own healing.
For more ways to create loving connection read 5 Surprising Things Your Man Wishes You Knew. Or Make a Love Connection with Almost Anyone through Empathetic Listening.
To your health and happiness,
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There are a few truths most men will agree on, that women might not suspect, ...because they're outside the female experience. You're about to gain some fresh insight into the mysteries of masculinity. These gems are brought to light in a recent publication, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men, by Shaunti Feldhahn.
The book is a compilation of field research involving 1600 men surveyed about their significant relationship with a woman.
"The majority of relationship problems do not stem from big insurmountable issues. Instead, they tend to spring from basic human cluelessness. From simple avoidable misunderstanding, or a "lightbulb on" moment that sadly, never happened."
-- Shaunti Feldhahn
In this post you'll get a feel for 5 key findings from this paradigm shifting study, including why your respect means more to your man than even your love. And how his need to provide for you weighs him down... but why he likes it that way.
While it may seem foreign to a woman, the male need for respect and affirmation is so hard-wired and so critical that 80% of men said they'd rather feel unloved than disrespected. In other words, if he had to choose, a man would give up feeling that his wife loved him, if he could just feel that she respected him. Putting him down in any setting is far more painful to the soul of a man than registers with most women.
Example: At an invitation for a deep sea fishing couples trip, if a wife responds, "Oh, my man would NEVER be caught on a fishing boat, he just pukes and pukes for hours. Better count us out." Even though this scenario may be true, reflecting your man's weaknesses to others makes him feel just as frustrated and starved for what needs as a women feels who rarely hears her man say "I love you and appreciate you."
If you wonder why the man you once thought of as so smooth is not giving you the adoration you long for, take a close look at how your words about him may cast him in a disrespectful light. Just as a wife feels dreadful if her husband never expresses his love, so a husband feels dreadful if a wife never demonstrates her respect.
To him, it's the very stuff of love and it's not negotiable. And surprisingly, the way he needs to feel your respect is quite different from the way you need to feel his love. Most women appreciate it when a husband says, "I love you" or "you look really beautiful." But, it just doesn't do it for a guy to hear, "Honey, I respect you so much." What he does need to hear is "I'm so proud of you" and "I trust you" and "Thank you for what you provide for me and our life together." And sometimes you need a little more than words to get through to him.
Sadly, many men felt as if their opinions and decisions were actively valued in every area of their lives except at home.
Men want and need to figure things out for themselves. When they do, they feel like they've conquered something and are affirmed as men. When women step in to help uninvited, guess how they interpret that? You got it: distrust. This may be why they don't like to stop and ask for directions. They like the challenge of figuring things out for themselves.
So, the next time your man drives stubbornly in circles trying to find your destination, ask yourself which is more important: being on time to the party or his feeling trusted? No contest.
...Instead of supporting him by giving him advice...even good, constructive advice (which often demoralizes more than helps). What he hears is "you're not competent" or "I don't think you can handle this." What he needs most is for his woman to simply stand up and say, "I know you can do it."
No matter what we think we are saying, in the end what matters is what the guy is hearing. As one married man put it starkly: "The male ego is the most fragile thing on the planet. Women have this thought that, He's got such a huge ego that I need to take him down a peg. No way. The male ego is incredibly fragile."
On the surface, it may look as if men avoid issues by checking out. But in actuality, men address issues by pulling away so they can process and think so they can better talk about them later. A big truth is hiding underneath the stormy surface of these conflicts, and it applies not just to conflicts, but to all verbal communications and can dramatically reduce how often conflict happens in the first place. You see, caring men want to commiunicate with the woman they love, but how they need to go about it is likely to be very different from the way a woman automatically prefers. Understanding that difference offers great promise for our relationships. Reading his signals in a new light. The study identifies several significant differences in the way men like to 'talk about it'. Here are 3 of them:
In contrast, women tend to think out loud, circling through the options until finally arriving at what she actually thinks or feels. This is largely a function of the wiring of his brain compared with her brain. Better for him to get some distance to think each thought through. Then move on to process the next thought. Once they've thought through each option, then they begin to process how they feel about the whole think. Men tend to be single processors taking a linear approach through the material at hand. And emotions seem to inhibit their ability to process through.
But guys can't talk about their feelings right away. They are much more able to "do something" about it now than to talk about how they feel about it now..the way a woman does naturally. Women seem to like discovering their feelings as the conversation evolves. Men, on the other hand like knowing the scope of the conversation, like having a roadmap of what I've thought through, like a trip ahead before just putting the conversation in drive and hittin' the gas pedal.
Part of the basic process for thinking things through is time apart. And in fact, men feel better able to talk about big issues the next day. They can talk about about social issues, sports or politics on the fly, but when it comes to big issues involving a relationship bond or anything involving big emotions, most men need time and space.
Michael Gurian, in his book, What Could He Be Thinking?, explains what brain scientists have discovered.
"Men can take up to 7 hours longer than women to process complex emotive data. While there are exceptions, men more than women will not know what they are feeling, nor be able to figure it out. And men, more than women will not be able to put their feelings into words in the moment and will tend to take longer to express feelings in words than women do."
If your guy leaves the room, or leaves the house during a conflict, he's checking out physically in order to "check in" with what he's feeling. It's precisely because he DOES care about the issue at hand that he needs a little space. Most men care deeply about their wives or girlfriends. We're more likely to get what we need, when we give them the space they need to think it through.
Your sexual desire for your man profoundly effects his sense of wellbeing and confidence in all areas of his life. In the study, a vital theme emerged. Men want more sex than they are getting. And what's more, they believe that the women who love them don't seem to realize that this is a crisis, not only for the man, but for the relationship.
Why on earth is it a crisis? After all, a lot of other legitimate needs get in the way, ..like the need for sleep. Isn't sex just a biological urge that he really should be able to do without? Well, no. For your husband sex is more than just a physical need. Lack of sex is as emotionally serious to him as say, his sudden silence would be to you, were he simply to stop communicating with you. It is just as wounding to him, just as much a legitimate grievance, and just as dangerous to your marriage.
Feldhahn explains, "Although popular opinion portrays males as one giant sex gland with no emotions attached, that is the furthest thing from the truth. But because men don't tend to describe their sexual needs in emotional terms, we women may not realize that in a very deep way your man often feels isolated and burdened by secret feelings of inadequacy. Making love with him assures him that you find him desirable. It salves a deep sense of loneliness and gives him the strength and wellbeing necessary to face the world with confidence. And of course, sex also makes him feel loved. In fact, he can't feel completely loved without it."
At the most basic level, your man wants to be wanted. Not only are his emotional needs met by your sexual interest in him, but there are also wounds created when lovemaking is habitually reluctant or lacking.
Having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man's feeling of being loved and desired. One plea captured it perfectly, "I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say 'you are more important to me than anything else in the world'. It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully with less room for misinterpretation than any other." The responses to the following question got the most unanimity of any other on this survey. The question asked was, "With regard to sex, for some men it is sufficient to be sexually gratified whenever they want. For other men it is also important to feel wanted and desired by their partner." The answer for 97% of men was that they wanted to feel wanted by their woman.
Men are more confident and alive when their sex life is working. On the survey 77% responded to the question. "Imagine that your wife was an interested and motivated sexual partner, and you therefore had an active lovelife. How would having sex with her as often as you wanted affect your emotional state?" 23% reported that it would have little or no effect. Sex seemed unrelated to their emotional state or other areas of life".
But 77% chose "It would have a positive effect, It would give me a greater sense of wellbeing, confidence and satisfaction with life. Shaunti explains the reason this message is so needed. "Many men, even with close friendships seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us 'oh so relational' women. And making love is the purest salve for healing that loneliness." So women, our sexual desire for our partner profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life. Good to know if you want him out there slaying dragons at the top of his game.
The next revelation to me was that even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women. This is a function of his neurology, not by choice, but by his biology. I know alot of younger women reject this notion because it doesn't match how they think. I mean, women will notice a good looking man, but will still be able to focus on the conversation or task at hand.
Because of a man's single task focus and his brain being built for visual stimulation, even completely faithful men on a group date with their wives will notice a lovely waitress and where she is in the dining room while they're trying to focus on the conversation and the food.
What's more, whether they like it or not, if she is wearing a low cut blouse or tight fitting skirt, the image of her form will stay in his head and pop up without consciously recalling them. And men find this constant visual slideshow unwelcomed and draining. Women too can drink in a beautiful man with their eyes, but it takes more effort to engrave his image on the back of their eyelids and the popups aren't nearly as frequent without conscious thought.
It's not something faithful men like to bring up much, but acknowledging the effort he makes to look away and filter his visual input may help you appreciate his loyalty to you more...plus help you appreciate when other women wear modest apparel.
Is it possible that the reluctant Romeo you know, really does want romance? Actually, men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways than women). They want to be romantic - but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed. Our culture often depicts men as a bunch of clods who have no desire to be romantic. The husband who buys his wife a belt sander for Valentines day is the hilarious storyline of many a sitcom or television movie.
According to the study, a majority of respondents said they feel like they are secret romantics who, like many of us, don't experience nearly as much intimacy in their primary love relationship as they'd like. Even more surprising is that this desire is, in a way quite apart from sexual intimacy. The great news is that our men long for connection, togetherness and fun intimate time with us. Men want romance too!
When asked if they desired romance for themselves, the majority of these men said "Yes, very much." So, if like me you've bought into the popular notion that men really don't care, listen to this from the survey. Question: "Regardless of whether you are able to plan romantic events, or whether your partner appreciates it, do you yourself desire romance?"
84% said Yes. One man explained, "On our honeymoon, we were in the Caribbean and were at this dinner place with a dance floor and no one was dancing. So of course my wife says, "let's go dance". I'm risking humiliation and we get up and dance. And within 90 seconds the dance floor was full. Someone had to risk it. Most of the women in the restaurant probably thought that the other couples didn't think about dancing until we gave them the idea. But I guarantee, every guy in that place was thinking about it, but didn't want to risk it, until someone else did."
Men want romance, just as much as women do. So here's how to get past that awkwardness and the misunderstandings and move in the direction of the figurative dance floor. Listen to what men revealed about why they don't make the first romantic move. The male responses fell into one of two catchall categories, Internal hesitation and The Gender Gap. 88% of respondents felt that they could probably put together a romantic event, but almost half of them felt unsure of themselves and thought they might not do a very good job.
About this self doubt, one man explained, "No guy really knows how to be romantic. They just try stuff they've seen and hope it works." Another man said, "The flip side of the need for respect is horror at the idea of humiliation. I'd rather burn at the stake. That is why a man won't risk trying to be romantic. I'm risking humiliation if I'm doing it wrong."
Another man explained his anxiety this way. "The reason men practice sports so much is so they don't get embarrased on the field, so they don't feel inadequate. But there's no way to practice romance. So, if we don't know how, we figure it's best not to even approach it and risk being seen as inadequate." Believe it or not, a man's willingness to take romantic risks may also be tied to how he's feeling about his job. A man who feels stressed and inadequate at work may feel particularly unable to risk feeling inadequate at home. In which case, it would feel safer for him to do nothing.
If they've had a painful romantic failure in the past, that can be enough to shut a man down on future attempts. Another man explains, "If you tease me about not getting the candlelight dinner right, it'll be 5 years before I try that again." Another seedbed of internal hesitation for men can be having created a romantic slam dunk victory in the past that he fears he'll never be able to top, so he just doesn't try. Guys are so competitive, they'll hesitate if they don't think they can win.
Another consideration is that definitions of romance may not jive. Maybe your idea of romance is formal with roses and candlelight. But for him, he really enjoys just getting out and having fun together. To him, a four wheeler ride in the moonlight is romantic, or playing a round of golf or deep sea fishing with his girl. Ask him what romance means to him. There's all sorts of it in there. Letting him know that whatever he puts a little thought into will please you, can put his romantic anxiety at ease. Encourage him and affirm his efforts. Anything that tells him you want to escape the routine of life together will speak to him too!
"It is so true that behind every great man is a great woman. There are alot of men out there who are mediocre simply because their wives will not support them and bring them to greatness. And there are alot of mediocre men who are destined to become great men, who ARE becoming great men because their wives love and support them. My wife expects great things from me, even though I'm a pretty ordinary guy really. She looks at me like I'm a genius in my field. She respects me in public and affirms me in private. I love her, and like all men, I want to live up to her expectations."
I hope you/ve encountered a truth or two here that captures your heart and encourages you to move ahead with new understanding of your man. Anything that brings hope and confidence and greater peace will put your body in the zone for greater health and healing.
Vitamin C therapy is the secret weapon that few of our mothers understood. We need only a small daily amount of it (less than 100 mg), UNLESS we’re fighting off infection. At that point, the body actually can absorb and make use of up to 200 times the Recommended Daily Allowance. To review a very encouraging recent study using vitamin C therapy on patients succumbing to Sepsis click here.
I’m stocking supplemental Vitamin C in 2 forms - sodium ascorbate powder (provides fastest uptake and is inexpensive) plus liposomal vitamin C capsules (for great highest absorption, low agitation to the gut lining and convenience).
To top off your body's stores of Vitamin C in order to give you maximum fight against infection, Take 1,000 milligrams Vitamin C every hour from morning til whenever you get a sloshy bowel movement ...usually by dinnertime. Then stop for today.
That’s your flushpoint or the maximum amount your body can absorb into your tissues. The next day, take 75% of the flush point amount in divided doses (every 1 or 2 hours spread evenly throughout the day. Do this over the next 4-5 days.
You’ll feel the effects as congestion breaks up and lungs become relieved throughout that first day. Keep going with the Vitamin C at intervals daily until you feel sloshy or until symptoms are all gone. This technique has worked wonders for acute respiratory infection in our big family and in our online community. Vitamin C fact sheet from NIH.
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What brings me the most peace is the knowledge that 80% of the body’s defense against invading microbes occurs in the gut, an organ of the body with which we have a lot of sway. And I've had the incredible fortune of witnessing hundreds of people come back from debilitating infection, pain and sickness by hyper focusing on their gut health. You see, because of the guts power to fight against invaders in the air, food and water we take in, it's really our best defense against any invasive species we're exposed to. That knowledge brings me the most Peace of all.
Watching for the signs that the gut microbiome is out of balance and then responding by giving the body what it needs to get back in integrity with it’s design is the BEST prevention I can imagine against COVID-19 or any other super-bug or mega-virus nature or man can create. For an exhaustive review of every good thing to know about this epidemic of Corona Virus, you can watch the status updates from World Health Organization and also recommend this exhaustive compilation of information from female MD and holistic Mom at HealthyKidsHappyKids.com.
To learn more about Increased Intestinal Permeability destroys your immune system and how it happens to good people like you and me, sign up for weekly emails to learn about it in bite sized pieces each week. Subscribe to Tumtree Gut Health weekly emails. Or visit our Youtube Channel for a 45 minute class presentation on who figured out the early science, and how to fix it the fastest.
Your immune system is EVERYTHING when you want to remain vibrantly healthy. For a FREE download of ebook, How To Heal Leaky Gut Fast - 6 Simple Steps, click here.
Perhaps you've "gone to summer" not only with your family's bedtime and chore routine, but with eating healthy food too. I feel you! And maybe it wouldn't be summer without a bike ride to the local pop shop, slurping flourescent otterpops or charring sticky S'more's over an open fire.
As you return from the breezy chaos of summer to more predictable living it’s a great time to reset and fuel up the family with good food. ... but including choices that please everyone’s taste buds. Try bringing a few of these tips I use at hometo your game plan for the first few weeks of school.
If you have a tip that unstresses back to school time for you, please share in the comments below. I look forward to reading all of them!
If I claimed there was a single simple tool that calms anxiety, releases unwanted emotions, relieves physical pain, removes blocks to love in relationships AND washes away limiting beliefs about who you really are and what you can do... Admit it. You'd think I was selling something. But then, if I said this tool was completely FREE, indestructible and gets more powerful with each use... would you pick one up on your way out the door?
Years ago a friend shared this simple tool and after a time or two it became my own. I couldn't remember how to do it exactly her way, plus mine needed sound effects and dramatic lighting (how like me). I've since shared it with hundreds of others and they in turn have made it their own. If you believe in a higher power and go with your heart, you really can't mess it up. Here are the variety of circumstances our family has found this tool useful for:
A teenager wants to quit running cross-country because of uncomfortable feelings about some cocky upperclassmen. A child feels anxious around other children, or being away from mom or dad. A son/daughter believes they "struggle with History" or "is not good at testing" and continues underperforming in this area. A friend has gone through a painful breakup and needs comfort. A toddler can't sleep for fear the wet pesticide he ran across on the neighbors lawn will also kill little boys. An unexpected change at work is humiliating and you want to quit even though the job pays well. Someone is in pain with an accident or injury and no anesthetic is available. A family member is nervous for an upcoming tryout or audition. A teen is running scared and running away from a poor choice they wish they hadn't made. You are openly criticized by friends or family for your choice to go against the norm (fill in the blank :/) and it just feels bad.
You've felt shame over something you did in the past. You may even have apologized for it, but the shame and guilt persist. A preteen is nervous to sleep away from home for the first time. A young adult is carrying past hurts they know are holding them back in their ability to put themselves out there with others. You feel friction in one of your primary relationships and want to be free of your part in the turmoil. You want to feel more joy in doing mundane or difficult things that must be done. (ugh) Someone betrays or abandons you (in ways large or small) and you no longer want to feel beat up about it. Maybe you just feel blah and can't identify why. You just know you want to feel better about being alive.
It's not so much the circumstances themselves that cause us pain and suffering, rather, it's the feelings we attach to our experiences and the story we tell ourselves about it that really burdens us. These feelings we carry around reap greater joy or greater burden for weeks or even years to come.
In truth, there is a small space between the moment a thought/memory runs through our mind and the next moment when we attach an emotion to it. When we believe that the thought and the emotion are inseparable, we find ourselves falling off the steep rim of the gulf of misery.
However, by observing our thoughts and resisting the attachment of an emotion for just a moment...THAT is the point of power for humankind. We can say, "Well now, isn't that interesting?" and choose to stay on the canyon rim of the gulf of misery. That moment that we throw it in Park and refuse to go flying over the edge reveals a hidden passageway to immense freedom and power over our circumstances. We are in charge and can actually choose to associate a given emotion to an arising circumstance or not. What we aren't taught in Kindergarten is that how we feel about present circumstances is our choice entirely. This is really quite powerful. Victor Frankl, a psychologist imprisoned with thousands of other inmates in a Nazi slave camp observed, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
The first time I noticed the gap (that space between stimulus and response) I was driving down University Avenue in Provo, watching in my rearview mirror as carefully hand glazed dining chairs tumbled off my trailer into oncoming traffic. I'd spent two weeks refinishing 10 chairs and was taking them to the upholstery shop for the final touch - tapestry seat covers. For a moment my heart and stomach leapt into hyperdrive. But then in my awareness there was this gap...and I moved into it. I thought, "what if I reserve getting upset...for later?" I scrambled from my Suburban to rescue three broken chairs from oncoming cars and jogged along the roadside scanning for broken bits of wood. After securing the chairs again (double knots are better.) I drove on, ignoring this place in my brain that said I had an obligation to FREAK out. But it felt so peaceful, like shelter from a raging storm there in the gap... that I never did get around to freaking out about the chairs. Once the seat covers were on, I pieced the backs together with wood glue and filler. These three chairs have served our family another decade at least. Their scuffed carved arms and shoulders remind me of ...the gap. And my first victory in finding it. But for those times when the most agile Jedi Mind fails to tuck into the gap, there is emotional release therapy...enter, the picnic blanket visualization.
What do you do with a black gob of feelings that you realize are no longer serving you? Perhaps have tried to forget about or give these unwanted feelings away. Maybe you found it hard to leave it and not take it back home with you. Use this tool.
Does this tool change other people? No, the only person this changes right away is you. And you'll feel better about your part immediately. The gift to others is that the change you'll notice in yourself actually creates a new space for others to respond more openly and lovingly to you.
Have some big decision to make, but find yourself tossed about by many emotions? Jettison all that pressure in your heart and mind in order to see more clearly some viable solutions, or to simply feel peaceful about it again.
The energy we exist in hour by hour is not just about our immediate happiness, but it's also about creating a biochemistry for health and wellbeing. Living and walking "peaceably with all men" is not only awesome for your facial furrow lines but also puts you in the Zone for body repair and longevity. If "All His Ways are peace" (Psalm 25:10) and God's asking us to be "even as he is", the way is clear. Use. This. Tool. It’s one way the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ can be called down to deliver you from bondage day by day, even hour by hour. You may find it helpful to have someone talk you through this the first few times so you can keep your eyes closed and begin committing the simple framework to memory.
With your eyes closed, imagine spreading out your favorite colored comfy picnic blanket in a beautiful green grassy glen in your mind. Note what color the blanket is today, (say it’s fuzzy and sky blue, or green plush with big puppies on it. Whatever feels comfy. Speak out what it looks like.)
Sit crosslegged at one end and assign 3 attributes: color, shape and consistency to the first feeling you want to be done with. Name the feeling (eg."this feeling of being overlooked" or "of shame for my action in the past" or "of sleeplessness or pain"). Then assign three attributes to it like "it's thick gray cement with potato size rocks in it," or "red hot lava flows," or "blue satin ribbons." Anything that comes to mind will work. Tell your mind this represents the feeling you want to dejunk. Then, identify out load a container on the blanket that will hold this feeling as it comes out, again, assigning it a color shape and texture (ie. a big black dumpster, a glistening silver hatbox or small red rubber ball).
Now open up channels all over your body to release this heavy flow of feelings you no longer want or need. (Top of head, sternum, wide open mouth, out of your navel, kneecaps, and wrists like Spiderman shooting webs). See it all flowing into the opening in the 'big black dumpster' on the fuzzy blue blanket. Within a few minutes the flow will decrease and trickle off to nothing, but keep watching it and noticing it come out. If your mind wanders, bring it back to what the substance represents, what it looks and feels like and what the container looks like out on the blanket. When the gunk has trickled off to nothing, nod your head that you are ready to pull out another feeling. You may as well dejunk any other limiting beliefs bringing you down while you’re here and all setup. (rarely with anyone has there been only one. I think Satan employs as many heavy misconceptions as will stick to us at once).
Once your yucky experience, heavy feelings or limiting beliefs are all pulled out and in their containers on the blanket, you look to the far side of this place and notice a person walking toward you. He is dressed in brilliant white and as He nears, you know who He is, but are still surprised by how familiar his face is to you and by how much He loves you. He smiles as he stands at the other end of the picnic blanket and reaches down to pickup the two corners of the blanket on his side. Then he picks up both corners on your side and brings them all together in his hands. You see the tremendous weight of these objects and hear them clanking against eachother as he lifts them in the blanket and draws it towards his bosom. Then a brilliant flash of nuclear light (with sound effects, “sha-kooo”) completely envelops the blanket and its contents as it incinerates in His marvelous light.
He then steps forward to offer you a gift in return for what you’ve just given him. Take a minute to see if you can tell what the gift is. I’ve seen ancient keys, a precious jeweled box, a gerberra daisy, a cloud blanket, a white dove and sometimes the gift is to be embraced in His arms and filled with overpowering love. In fact, just see that one happening too whatever your gift is. Feeling His love is always the result of giving our burdens to Him. (I love it.) Next, He thanks you for meeting Him here and reminds you that it was for this very purpose that He suffered and bled and died, just so He could take these burdened thoughts and feelings from you. And He will meet you here again whenever you need Him. Then he returns from where he came.
Your work after this emotional release therapy session is to notice how things are different. Your heart may be softer now, or former offenses may roll off your back, or people may actually respond differently to you now that you’ve moved heavy feelings out of your energy field. Just notice, and thank Heavenly Father. This unexpected shift is “happiness” in the great plan.
I'm seeing beautiful Benham Falls, created by lava flow that blocked the Deschutes River, so now the water tumbles over it.
Such beauty to the eyes and ears brought about by impediment.
It's what life is.
Discovering for ourselves what our Ultimate Source has to do with our present problems, burdens and impediments.
You are meant to be well. And to Sing.
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Check out our 3 quick tips for traveling with kids this summer.
Admit it. There's this fantasy associated with family vacations...that the week will be one long blissful thread of sunny days, children cheerfully playing together, smooth roads, short lines, and mechanical details that work like a charm.
Not much fun to recall later on.
Looking back on our last road trip we'll remember ...
The unexpected freeze and rain.
Being stranded on the 101 without a battery Our condo creaking at night as it gradually slid downhill to the sea, How listening to 2 kids argue was just like being at home, only with an ocean view.AND going out to dinner twice one evening when everyone under 17 refused to eat fresh seafood at a local hotspot
...where only seafood is served. "Fresh lobster?? I want pizza."
Our first 5 kids ADORE seafood. Pardon me. Are these my children???
Over thirty years of family travel, we've packed pretty light at times, but NEVER without Exodus. This apple cinnamon fiber drink is unbeatable at soaking up nausea, relieving constipation or stomachaches AND mopping up high carb vacation foods we might not otherwise eat. Take along a mini waterbottle or lidded tupperware and Exodus and you'll be prepared for any gastric emergency. If you're curious about our families magical people paste, check it out here. Tumtree Gut Sponge...your bowels NEW best friend.
If you're really invested in experiencing your best life, better pull those fading female friendships off the back burners and calendar some girl time. My girls and I planned our first mountain yoga retreat last weekend and found it so beneficial, we're making it as essential now as green salad with dinner. Women really are an irreplaceable emotional support system for other women. By giving advice, lending a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, keeping secrets, encouraging hope and boosting self-esteem, strong healthy female friendships can be a prime mover in improving your overall health and wellbeing.
The psychology behind strong female friendships is compelling. According to a study published in the Journal of Clinical Oncology, women with early-stage breast cancer were four times more likely to die from cancer if they didn't have many friends. Those with a larger group of friends with early-stage breast cancer had a much better survival rate. This beneficial effect of friendship was felt whether the friends lived near or far. Women with abundant friendships (the more good friends the better, ladies!) decreased their risk of premature death. Yeah, you read that right. Meanwhile, not having regular contact with girlfriends was as detrimental to her health as smoking or carrying extra weight.
In 2014, a landmark UCLA study concluded that girlfriends are stress-busters for women and have an impact on overall mood. It seems that when we're around girlfriends, the mood-elevating hormone oxytocin is released, increasing our feelings of euphoria and calm. And our brain chemistry actually wants to bond and calm down during stressful situations. Until this study, all stress research subjects had been predominantly male, generalizing some assumptions about how humans handle stress. But following the data gathered on women, the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just fight or flight; In fact, says Dr. Klein who conducted this study, "it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the fight or flight response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect." This calming response does not occur in men, according to Dr. Klein, because testosterone---which men produce in high levels when they're under stress---seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen, she adds, seems to enhance it.
"Every time we get overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of friendships with other women. We push them right to the back burner. That's really a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they're with other women. It's a very healing experience".
And what heals the soul, also heals the body. So, pull those female friends off the back burner and get some girl time on your calendar. You'll know the truth by how it feels when you step out of your routine and spread your feminine energy around. Do it for your beautiful self, and for everyone who counts on you to keep feeling good.
Warmly,
Most guys think of a woman a little like a swamp: you can't see where you're stepping, and sooner or later you just know you're going to get stuck in quicksand. And the more you struggle to get free, the deeper you get sucked in. If you're nodding your head in agreement right now, this post is for you. In a recent landmark field study, over 6,000 respondents participated in revealing what women really want. The findings, published in For Men Only: A straightforward guide to the inner lives of women explains things about women that might've left both of you feeling helpless, confused, or just plain angry. Along with each insight are doable solutions for helping the relationship. My man and I have poured over the findings and here are 5 of our favorite insights.
According to the findings, triggers for feelings that make her wonder where the relationship stands include:"If a woman doesn't feel loved, it's the same for her as if she isn't loved."
"Pursuit prevents a lot of her insecurity," conclude the researchers. "Several women compared the need to feel pursued by their husbands with the need that a man has to feel sexually desired by his wife. Ask yourself, What did I do when we were dating that made me so pickin' irresistible? and start doing those things you both loved again".
One thing you should know about the fabulous female brain is that women can have several open loops active in their brain at any given moment. Their brain is far more multi-task aware than the male brain, which naturally focuses on just one thing at a time. In addition, women deal with multiple thoughts and emotions from their past and present all the time, at the same time--and these can't be easily dismissed. "They are like busy computers with multiple windows open and running all at once, unwanted pop-ups intruding all the time, and little ability to close out or ignore any of that mental or emotional activity until a more convenient time," report the authors of the study. About half of all female respondents said they have stored thoughts or feelings from the past that regularly pop up into active mode whether they want them to or not. And 8 of 10 women seem consistently unable to close these windows as easily as men can. One female respondent said, "There's never a time that there's nothing going on in my head. If I answer 'nothing,' it's because I'm mad at him!" The Feldhahns added, "She may not be holding onto a grudge, but actually trying to process through it so she can let it go and close that window for good."
"Seven out of ten married women said that if they had to, they would rather endure financial struggles than distance in the relationship."
In fact, since what she wants is your time and attention…, if you appear to give more time and attention to work, it appears that you are making work your priority. To her, that means that she's not your priority. Instead, that choice leaves her feeling distanced and unloved by you. "Creating a sense of closeness between the two of you is more important than anything else--to a woman, it is almost a synonym for emotional security. Even small little gestures convey love and build closeness in a way I never would have thought," says the authors. "The little things are the difference. She feels secure when you make time together a priority." One woman put it this way, "I need to know that he will be there for me, no matter what. We have a good relationship, but I still need to know that he's not going anywhere--physically or emotionally."
When a woman is sharing an emotional problem, her feelings and her desire to be heard are much more important than the problem itself. This is a huge insight for men! "Apparently, what I thought was listening and caring, wasn't," reported one man about learning the difference. Smart listening tells a woman louder than almost anything else that she is known, cared for, and loved. She doesn't want you to fix it. She wants you to focus on her feelings, not the problem. "We men have trained ourselves to cut through the clutter of emotion in order to focus on the 'real' issue. For our wife, her negative feelings about a problem are the real issue," says Jeff. "If it's an area of emotional concern, apply listening skills. If it's not, then apply fixing skills." Give her your full attention. It's an active practice of identifying her feelings, considering what's she's really saying, and listening for 'the story behind the story'. Acknowledge and affirm her feelings about the problem. It's the person who listens well who holds enormous power.
Inside your smart, secure wife lives a little girl who deeply needs to know that you find her beautiful--and that you only have eyes for her... no matter what her age.
"However independant and capable women are, they need to be reassured often that they are beautiful and they are loved". This isn't really about a woman's looks so much. It's about what a woman feels about herself. One winning husband explained, "In our house, there's really only one mirror. And that mirror is me." The research shows that a lot of women are desperate for specific, honest compliments. Sure, they'll keep on keepin' on without them, but they absolutely thrive when you shower them with sincere praise. "When she asks how she looks, we think she's wondering if she looks presentable", explains Jeff. "But what she wants to know is if she's still rocking our world…." In her earlier work, Shaunti Feldhahn discovered that even very faithful committed married men tend to be visually stimulated and naturally aware of other beautiful women in the vicinity. They even have unwelcome visual pop-ups interrupt their thoughts totally uninvited. Which means that it requires a focused diligence for him to "only having eyes for her". "This is an area where there really has to be zero tolerance," says Feldhahn. "Obviously that applies to pornography. But it also applies to lingering glances and lustful thoughts. We injure our wife when we look elsewhere for a thrill that we vowed to look for only in her. We shatter our ability to reflect her beauty back to her. And we break her trust."
In the mid-'90s, Sports Illustrated did a cover feature, entitled, Trials of David and the Seven Deadly Sins, on David Robinson, the MVP center for the San Antonio Spurs. One segment described how Robinson handled himself, as a professing Christian, husband, and father, in the midst of the NBA's intense temptations. For example, during television breaks, he would sit on the bench and stare studiously at the floor in order to avoid looking at the gyrating cheerleaders out on the court. The article also mentioned that like all NBA players, Robinson was constantly approached by attractive women who wanted to talk to him…and were maybe offering more than just witty conversation. Apparently, he would brush them off without acknowledgment. When asked to comment on that seemingly 'rude' practice, he said something like this: 'If any woman is going to get her feelings hurt, it's not going to be my wife." That kind of "tacking into the wind" makes a man his wifes protector and hero in action. Jeff Feldhahn says, "Each day your wife and mine, hold out to us their intense, god given, little girl desire and right to be treasured. Each day she's surrounded on all sides by an offensive and abusive world. And each day, with kind words, and faithful eyes, we too can be our wife's protector and hero."
Shaunti Feldhahn is an author, columnist, and public policy analyst. She and her husband Jeff Feldhahn conducted hundreds of personal interviews, gathered huge amounts of anecdotal information from dozens of women's groups, and conducted a national survey of 400 women. Well over 6,000 women gave their input to the research making this the largest study of its kind. Their findings are published in the book "For Men Only" to help men see things from a woman's perspective. This is a companion study to the Shaunti's earlier research on men, published in the book, For Women Only: What You Need To Know About The Inner Lives Of Men. My man and I have really benefited from reading both books to each other and talking about the findings.
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Today I want to unpack just one little drawer in the field of psychoneuroimmunology, on the power of words in your life and in your relationships.
All day long words run through our head, and out of our mouth that influence the energy we step into and walk in each day. If Death and Life really are in the power of the tongue as biblical Proverbs say, then it's probably worth considering how the words we use, use us.
In this post you'll learn why your words are so powerful and worth waking up to. You'll also get a start on selecting your own powerful words or "declarations" for a happier healthier life.
On the subject of healing the body, Norman Cousins, American Political Journalist and author <Anatomy of an Illness> says the only thing more important than knowing that your quality of life is all-important is to "assume responsibility for the quality of your own life." Its a tough way of saying that you have more power over your present and future life than you may realize. And the energy you send out into the universe via your thoughts, your words and your deeds has a ripple effect that in quick time returns to you multiplied. Becoming "mindful" of the words running through your head and then out your mouth is really tricky, and like any worthwhile skill takes time to develop. It’s taken a lot of practice to identify my own positive and negative energy and gravitate towards the positive in my thoughts and the words I speak.
What I now know is, if I don’t like the life I'm experiencing... it is high time to change my mind. Our thinking in the present moment is actually our point of power in the future. If you continue to believe that you’ve blown it, things never go well for you, or that you will never quite heal or overcome that annoying weakness or have the relationships you want, then you are probably right. You never will.
“Mind is the master power that molds and makes. And man is Mind, and evermore he takes The tool of thought and shaping what he wills Brings forth a thousand joys; a thousand ills. He thinks in secret and it comes to pass, Environment is but his looking glass.” (James Allen’s classic, As A Man Thinketh.)
Jesus Christ taught “every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment. For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned” (Matthew 12:36-37) Interesting. He also said, “Look unto me in every thought, doubt not, fear not.” And, “If ye do not watch yourselves and your thoughts and your words, and your deeds…ye must perish.” (Mosiah 4:30.)
That’s some ‘boom, boom, firepower’ our words carry. And it’s one firearm you can't pawn off on anyone else. No other human can take the steering wheel and direct another's mind. And no matter how we are feeling physically or emotionally, we are still mentally free to think any thought we choose. That, my friend is the most powerful tool you and I have to change the way we experience life, starting NOW.
The best way to get more of what you actually don’t want is to keep thinking about it, and brooding over it, talking about it and worrying about it until you feel gut wrenched and upset. Keep in mind that everytime you verbalize (publicly or in private) that you don’t deserve this or that, or you can’t do this or that, or that you are less important than something or someone, every cell in your being hears it and acts accordingly to bring into existence whatever you declare.
Rather than letting your feelings take the lead, select and direct your thoughts first. Just for fun, flip it around. State what you DO want to experience in a straightforward, positive way. This definitely takes a focused attention and some steady practice up front, because negative messages are far more common in our everyday environment. The best way to give yourself more of what you DO want is to imagine it, get excited about it, and act just as happy and grateful as if it was already happening. Then thank God for every indication you see that it’s on its way.
You see, the words we speak live in front of us and we step right into them as we go about our business. Why not create a field of powerful, supportive, ‘larger than life’ energy to walk around in all day? Want to remind yourself daily of the truth about your possibilities? Want to feel more hope? Less isolation? Or become ‘one’ with an attribute or experience you’ve long admired? Turn it into a positive statement and declare it to the universe as a part of your morning routine. And remember, it’s only hokey if it doesn’t work.
If you've never done this before, here are some examples. These are some of my declarations past and present. And just for a second I was feeling a bit shy about revealing what I'm working on. It’s a little like inviting you to tour my underwear drawer. But, I really have nothing to hide there either...except maybe those zero carb dark chocolates no one knows about...
Choose a few of these that resonate with you, or build your own list as you imagine the emotional, spiritual, physical quality of life you want to be living. Start out simple so you can eventually memorize and recall them when you need unslumping throughout the day. When I first fell into ranks with claiming my energy for the day, my body was heavily weakened by autoimmune disease. I was in a lot of pain, plagued with fatigue, anxieties and a heavy, heavy heart. I felt like I was ‘in over my head’ on so many levels and every one of my declarations were goals and dreams, as yet unfulfilled. It felt fake…until I caught this magic spark. Go Full Out!
You’ve gotta go full out with these. Claim them with POWER. The whole point of speaking Declarations to the echoey bathroom walls is that energy follows words. Repeat the statement several times, until you can imagine what it would feel like if the statement were actually true... right now. How joyful or appreciative would you feel if that thing were actually true?
THAT is the energy you want to exist in today…the joy and gratitude of having all the love, or support, or ‘on it’-ness now. Don't save that gratitude and enjoyment for later.
Einstein once said, “Imagination is everything. It is the preview of things to come.” When your mind and heart “get it”, get the feeling of being in possession of that trait, or that experience, hold that energy. Because, when we exist in the energy of what is wanted, we command it in.
15 years ago, I took my laminated card of declarations out jogging with me each morning and would speak them loudly and boldly to the empty streets. Eventually I needed no card and could shout them to myself in the car, the bathroom shower or closet with each new day.
Give your inner self a daily reset by pumping up your energy field with all the unrestrained love and enjoyment you can hold. Believe it long enough to really feel it, and then choose to exist in it. Stating the words “I live a charmed existence” to yourself in the mirror every morning will begin opening your spirit eyes to all the ways that statement actually could begin to be true.
Unseen help will emerge and you’ll begin collecting your own stories of unexplained miracles to treasure and to share. The belief that you live a charmed existence precipitates more and more experiences that confirm it's so. Take that little bit of resulting joy and spread it around, smear it all over your friends and loved ones.
Claim the same feeling of gratitude you’d have if your life had ended, but then you were given one more week to live. Once you've created your list of goals, hopes and dreams this year in the format of positive declarations, monitor the energy you spend your days in and ramp it up whenever you get feeling slumpy.
Raise your own vibrational frequency by claiming who you are and what you’re about ...in the car, in the shower (better vocal reverberation there) or quietly and earnestly if circumstances require.
By recalling and speaking positive truths about your eternal possibilities, you raise your own vibration closer to the energy of joy and gratitude. And THAT my friend is where heaven and earth meet. Feeling the energy of Gratitude, not Griping, opens the windows of heaven to pour out blessings. It magnetizes your good desires to find you faster.
You will know the truth of what I’m saying, by how it feels when you experiment with it yourself. Messages from the Savior are always hopeful and uplifting. Thoughts that discourage or demean, thoughts of disapproval and despair are from another source, not Him.
The approach to Mt. Washington was pretty gnarly. As Brett guided us, I hiked through nausea, spotty vision and lightheadedness (from thin air and the flu) Reaching the Summit block was thrilling, because Brett had not made it this far in two previous attempts. We gloried on the summit after climbing three pitches, with plenty of exposure to the shaley drop 3000 feet to the valley below. It was intense…and we lived. The setting sun interrupted our victory dance on top and we began the trudge out.
On very little sleep and a weak stomach the descent felt brutal about 2 hours down the mountain. With daylight dwindling, we thought we could save an hour by cutting through a section of burned out forest to beeline toward the car. Darkness fell, and the burned out forest quickly became hard to navigate because of the dense new forest growing up through the lattice of felled burned trees. And we were scrambling to get out of there.
My bones jarred with each pounding step downhill. No stops to rest on the descent...at all. You get the idea. My body was feeling far from “energized and fit, balanced and free of all disease”, I thought I was gonna die. Before I died though, my mind caught hold the thought that now would be a GREAT time for some Jedi power to kick in. That’s it! I pulled out the declaration about not dying in a darkened forest and shouted at the night, “I am ENERGIZED and fit, balanced and free of all disease” and, ya know what else? “I love my life," I shouted for good measure.
I said it a few times, with purpose and then realized we could no longer see any landmarks above the trees for the dark, moonless night. My brow furrowed. We did not know where the trail was. We only knew we’d intersect it eventually...that is, IF we were still headed in a northwesterly direction. We were already an hour past sundown and...did I mention we were stumbling in darkness? I felt wretched again.
“Not so fast” my inner Jedi exclaimed. I forced my eyebrows up and began composing a rhythmic chant to accompany my heavy footfall. “I AM ENERGIZED and FIT, balanced and free of ALL disease!" It took about a minute for the energy to flow. The pain and extreme fatigue I felt with every jarring step lifted to make way for a little bit more energy. How cool is that? The uplift was palpable, undeniable. So I did it again…and again…and again. Then 30 minutes later, just as I was negotiating some kind of angelic rescue deal with God, we intersected the trekking trail and whooped and hollered for joy – the going was SO much easier. After hiking 13 miles over twelve straight hours, we did it. We conquered the mountain.
And so it is. In both the physical and spiritual realms, the pathway smoothes when first we learn to love it. Declare your magnetizing power in positive words daily and feel the difference it makes in your own energy today. Begin declaring and even expressing gratitude for the healing that you know is possible, but hasn't quite fully arrived. See what magic you can create with the energy of your words in the journey ahead.
If I claimed there was a single, simple tool, a kind of emotional release therapy that calms a troubled heart, releases unwanted emotions, unplugs an anxious mind, relieves physical pain, removes blocks to love in relationships AND washes away limiting beliefs about who you really are and what you can do... Admit it. You'd think I was selling something. But then, if I said this tool was completely FREE, indestructible and gets more powerful with each use... would you pick one up on your way out the door?
Introducing the Picnic Blanket
Years ago a friend shared this simple tool and after a time or two it became my own. I couldn't remember how to do it exactly her way, plus mine needed sound effects and dramatic lighting (how like me). I've since shared it with 50 others and they in turn have made it their own. If you believe in a higher power and go with your heart, you really can't mess it up. Here are the variety of circumstances my family has found this tool useful for:This is the Law of Vibration, a law of nature that states that ‘nothing rests; everything moves; every thing vibrates.’ The lower the vibration, the slower the vibration; the higher the vibration the faster the frequency or shorter the wavelength. The difference between manifestations of the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual realms can result simply from different levels of vibrating energy, or frequencies.
If you've ever experienced a flyover from an F16 fighter jet, you know that it's not just an auditory experience, but rather an emotional/spiritual one that penetrates to the core, creating an emotional response ranging from panic to sheer joy. You feel more awake and alive immediately afterward, as your own vibration is elevated by the higher resonance of the plane. Let's look at why.
According to Einstein, if a pianist could press a key way above the eighty-eight keys on a piano, that key would produce Light. And you could create a chord of Light in the same way you create a chord of sound. Only the vibration/frequencies would be seen as colors of Light because the waves would be moving at the speed of Light. You'll find this philosophical Law of Vibration in quantum physics and in Einsteins theory of relativity-- that Energy is related to matter and the speed of light, Einstein’s famous E = mc2 equation. But, has anyone actually proven it?
A century after Einstein's theory was published, a group of researchers at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California successfully converted sound waves to light radiation in 2009 by reversing a process of cell phone technology that transforms electricity to sound. This marks the first time in science that sound has actually been converted to light. The findings, which were published in Nature Physics, could improve how computer chips, LEDs, and transistors are made, and also have applications in ultrafast materials science and ... including ramifications for the human body. (Read More)
When two frequencies are brought together, the lower will always rise to meet the higher. This is the principle of resonance. An example of this is when a piano is tuned. A tuning fork is struck, and then brought close to the piano string that carries that same musical tone. The string then raises its vibration automatically and attunes itself to the same rate at which the fork is vibrating.
Using this principal of resonance, we can actually increase or decrease the speed at which the molecules in our bodies vibrate, through our exposure to high/low vibration thinking and feeling along with other vibrational frequencies that enter the body's energy field.
At the very leading edge of biophysics today, scientists are recognizing that the molecules in our bodies are actually controlled by these frequencies. In 1974, Dr. Colin W.F. McClare, Ph.D, an Oxford University Bio-Physicist, discovered that frequencies of vibrating energy are roughly one-hundred times more efficient in relaying information within a biological system than physical signals, such as hormones, neurotransmitters and other growth factors.
According to a report in the medical journal Epidemiology, (May 2001; 11:345-349) psychological stress - particularly the chronic type that may accompany a personality with a negative outlook - is a risk factor for contracting colds. An optimistic outlook and outgoing personality seemed to protect individuals, researchers found.
The findings indicate that high levels of psychological stress are closely associated with contracting the common cold. While the common cold is rarely a serious health hazard, it is responsible for about 30 million days of lost work in the U.S. alone each year.
To investigate whether stress increased the likelihood of developing a cold, the researchers surveyed more than 1,100 Spanish university staff and students at regular intervals over a one year period. The study focused on different types of stress, including stress from life events, perceived stress, having a generally negative outlook, anxious or compulsive personality, compared with having a positive outlook and grattitude for life.
Individuals with a negative outlook were at greatest risk of developing colds - regardless of their intake of vitamin C and zinc or their smoking and drinking habits. The next highest-risk individuals were those who believed that they were under stress. These people were nearly three times as likely to develop a cold, according to the report.
If you're still a little shy about the notion that vibrational frequency of thoughts, words, sound (which we know is in a continuum with light) have power to create anything of substance in the physical world think of lasers that can kill or heal depending on their frequency.
And check out this illustrative 4 minute video where different sound waves are passed through carbon containing materials (of which our bodies are primarily composed) like sand, dirt and metal pilings. It's a great reason to tune into your own emotions and feelings and channel your brain to create higher vibrational thoughts like gratitude, forgiveness and love over thoughts of doubt, fear and hate about yourself and the world around you.
Before he could catch his breath the gun went off. Hauling back up the hill, he clipped in and pushed off skiing. "I knew right away there was trouble when my right ski came off. So I chipped away at the bottom of my boot as about 15 guys passed me. Then I started mozying. I guess I was going about 40 mph and 'zing, zing' made my way into 4th place a little from the bottom. Then the number 3 guy caught an edge and just yardsaled everywhere." Making a wide cut around the wipeout he finished behind the number two man for 3rd place. Isaac was so absorbed with the snowballing wipeout that he forgot to video Brett's big finish. (cue imagination.)
Soon Isaac started gutting out the first incline. "It was a little unnerving when I saw these way old guys passing me, but overall I felt like I was in control and pretty calm." While pretty experienced on a mountain bike, it was his first time on a road bike and he was a little leary of gravel on the road, especially racing downhill. But he was calm and cool spinning it into Bend. In fact SO cool, he was a little frozen by the time he entered the transition area.
Lynley led Brett to the river where they paddled upriver to start the one mile loop, pulled hard downriver and muscled against the current again for the upstream finish. Brett remembers. "Halfway through I knew we needed a lighter kayak next time. Think 30 minutes of continuous pushups."
Our 18 yr old daughter Lynley and friends are prepping to launch out on their own in a few weeks, most of them off to college. When asked how I could help they chimed in “give us easy, healthy meals” “shortcuts for managing life…and everything else.” We called the project ‘Life Hacks For Women' and began collecting best ideas into a binder. I’m posting mine on Instagram @TumtreeLife for quick access.
Check out simple, fast, healthy eats at #lifehacksfood and other helps at #lifehacksforwomen. Years ago a girlfriend shared her system for keeping papers straight and off my counters. And it still works like magic today.
Another friend gave me permission to assign each of our kids a small daily job that keeps our whole house looking tidy everyday. What a gift! Where would I be without the women in my life???
I’m blessed by their Life Hacks hour by hour. I am still on the learning curve about most things, but I'm glad to share what works for me as a woman, homemaker and mom. You’ve got em too, you know you do...little shortcuts that save time, worry and work, or that ramp up your joy as you do what you do everyday.
Follow us on Instagram for easy healthy recipes and other Life Hacks in the weeks ahead. And if there’s a girl who’s helped your load be lighter, Like this post and share in the comments what she taught you and how it’s helped. We all have important knowledge and experience to share!
WholeHealthChallenge: Pay it forward. Trust that what you send out will return to you multiplied. If you keep all that goodness to yourself, you ground the energy out, just like electricity. Keep love flowing to you by continually sending love out through you. You'll know the truth of this by how it feels.
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Wanna be the one reserved adults, small children, grumpy teens, or quiet youth open up to? And while you are magnetizing this open sharing of feelings what if you naturally empowered them to solve their own problems?
If that sounds too good to be true, consider what this new way of connecting does for you..., namely frees you of any burden to create change in your significant relationships and actually strengthens and enriches your connection with them? Hooked yet? It's how to make a love connection with almost anyone. It's empathetic listening... never you've never done before. Perhaps like me, you didn’t know how.
On Thanksgiving our young adult son ran along the rushing Deschutes River with me and opened up about his recent breakup with a girlfriend. Being the dialed in Mom, I listened carefully to his story and as we rounded the halfway mark offered these comforting words. “It just seems to be the nature of dating son. Either she’s more serious about you or the other way around. And then, you find someone that shares your feelings mutually…and it just works out.”
Tanner stopped running. “Mom, you’re not listening to me.” I thought I was. I heard the details of how it happened and asked leading questions. I was just waiting for the right break in the conversation to offer my reassurance that he was still within the range of normal,…that everything would be okay. Taken aback, I apologized, zipped my lip and said, “tell me more.” I would prove to both of us that I actually was a very good listener. He continued pouring out his heart for another 10 minutes until our river loop was complete.
As we began slogging up the river canyon wall to our home I offered him one more soothing assurance. “Jamie doesn’t know what she’s given up. And I know there is someone out there even better for you.” He cut me short, “Mom, you still aren’t LISTENING to me!” I told him I was trying to listen, but I didn’t know how to do what he was asking me to do. I fought back tears…and lost. And he struggled for words to convey his feelings. He hugged me and apologized for making me cry.
And we both walked away from it feeling a little raw and still wondering what it was all about. Fast forward a week. I’m devouring a new concept I hope will help me set boundaries on my time without feeling guilty about it, which it totally does, but oh…it is so much more. Have you ever been listening to someone talk and thought, “if you could just see your problem the way I see it, your problem is solved babe” or “hurry up and finish what you’re saying because I’ve got something to say that is just what you need”? If so, this principle will be a complete revelation to you. And you will know the truth of it by how it feels. There are many helpful books written about it, and the shortest, sweetest I’ve found is “I Don’t Have To Make Everything All Better” by Gary and Joy Lundberg.
1) Be an effective validator (which is not at all what happened that day on the river run with our son.) It requires a new goal as you listen and a new vocabulary of validating phrases and questions. 2) Leave the responsibility where it belongs, while still offering help. (I did NOT see that coming. I mean, who knew that was possible?) 3) Acknowledge Emotions, beginning with your own and then others. 4) Develop the Art of Listening (ah, goals!) 5) Find the right time to teach (almost never in the moment you think of it and often hours later. Teaching even with nine kids, is needed far less than I realized.) I read just one short chapter a week and then practiced implementing it with my infant understanding, but it still works. I’ve gone back and read it again with my guy Brett. So easy, just 15 mins every week or two.
The main idea is that EVERYONE on the planet shares a universal need including YOU, which is to believe: I am of worth. My feelings matter. Someone really cares about me. Write it on a PostIt note and plant it where you’ll read it often. Savor how nice it feels each time you do. That my friend, is the hot commodity that every soul craves, both to give and to receive. Thought it was the iPhone 6?…. It’s Compassion. Simply by listening to another person in this new way, I bolster their worth, they feel loved by the gesture AND are empowered to solve their own problem. And it even works with people with whom I’ve been bungling it for decades. Reduced to it’s meanest terms, it is the act of climbing inside another persons head and looking out through their eyes. This is more than empathy; it’s seeing what they see and telling them so. It is a tender place really, so you don’t want to tromp around wearing boots in there. Well meaning advice, nudging persuasion, or even trying to cheer them up by shining away the problem will all squash the magic seed you’ve planted. Once you’ve nailed it (or even come close) and skipped entirely over telling them what they should, need or ought to do, a loving connection has been made between you. And the power is incomprehensible.
My trial run with this tool was with one of our teens who had talked to me less and less over the last few years and which I’ve felt completely powerless to change. I went into each of my interactions with our son with this new goal in mind, “get inside his head, inside the head baby, you can DO this!” It still feels strange and new. A few days after our first meeting inside his mind, he called me and said “Ugh, I hate my life, I am never going back to that class ever! It is the BIGGEST waste of my time”… “Oh,” I said, “tell me what happened.” I whipped out my toolbox of validating questions and phrases and went to work, treading lightly and making my way to the goal, that little tiny chair inside his head right behind his eyes where I can really see what he’s talking about. Once there I let him know I got him and… mission accomplished. That’s all. The interaction was brief and clean, then he said, “gotta go.” And inside my head I was doing a rambunctious victory dance.
My boy CALLED me to tell me about his feelings! What a milestone. The yawning age of silence was broken and I could not contain my joy.
One morning our youngest, Ethan flopped down on the couch with his little violin in hand. “I’m not practicing and I’m not doing the garbages EITHER!” Instead of my usual patronizing “eyebrows up my boy, you’re almost finished” or threats “well, I guess we can’t have free time then” or bribing “let’s hurry and finish and then we’ll have a special treat!”
I ventured into the unknown. “Hmm” I said. “Does it feel like…like there’s just so much to do and you don’t want to do it? (lame attempt, but watch) Then I flopped down on the other couch. “I think I might know how you feel…. Like this morning I woke up and I was just about to get out of bed, but then I remembered all the things I gotta do today and I just PULLED the covers over my head and said no, no, no! I don’t wanna get outa bed!” Wrestling with my invisible covers, across the room he lay there watching me. I looked up at the ceiling thinking of how comfortable I was, just laying there being still.
An instant later my reverie was interrupted, “Mom, come on! Get your violin. Are you gonna get it or not?!” He was standing there, ready to go. Inexplicable…it must be magic.
When we feel understood, an elevating force bubbles up inside of us and we rise to our own challenges. If we do not appreciate or empathize with a child’s feelings, they grow up not appreciating other people’s feelings. It’s true. As parents we unintentionally teach children that it is not safe to express what they feel. “I don’t care how you feel about it, you’ll do it anyway” (ouch). Not far from that sentiment is the confusion and distrust created when an adult says, “You can’t be hungry, we just ate” and yet that growling, gnawing feeling inside really does feel alot like hunger. Or “You don’t hate anybody, you’re just upset”, when what you really feel is hate welling up inside.
Once I and my child acknowledge their negative feeling, it honestly evaporates, at record speed. But if the feeling’s denied, suppressed or buried alive, you’re sure to see it resurface again, and again in less appropriate places. Irrational fears; un-provoked anger and low tolerance for frustration all morph out of the child’s buried feelings.
Soon kids figure that it doesn’t matter what they feel, they’ll just be told they are wrong to feel that way. They do what any smart kid does, they numb up, withdraw and consider feelings confusing, unreliable or just plain bad. Numbed kids grow up to be numbed adults who unwittingly model the same communication style to their children.
Emotionally and spiritually you cannot lead a child to a place you’ve never been. Which is why changing up the way we listen can have phenomenal cosmic power to heal ourselves and our families… and to give a leg up to generations to come.
As I understand how huge this new objective for listening is, I had to know where the Son of God modeled it. It’s just too powerful to be made up by man. Did He really climb inside a person’s head and look out through their eyes?
The answer is Yes.
The town is Bethany.
The day is three days after the death of Lazarus, “whom Jesus loved.”
The sisters, Mary and Martha sent word to Jesus days earlier, that Lazarus was very ill. Instead of immediately traveling to Bethany, Jesus intentionally remains where he is for two more days before beginning the journey, which took another two days. When Jesus arrives in Bethany, he finds that Lazarus has been dead and entombed for four days.
He meets Martha and Mary in turn and Martha laments that Jesus did not arrive soon enough to heal her brother. The women understood the Son of God had power to heal the sick, they’d seen it many times before. He’d even raised up people who’d just died or were thought to be dead, but now it seemed all was lost. I mean, 4 days dead? It had never been done.
And how did Christ, the Son of God respond? “Jesus wept.” Not because he was powerless to help make everything all better. Before showing forth his power as the Life of the World, perhaps He wept because he’d just sat down in that tiny seat behind Mary’s and Martha’s eyes and fully felt what they were feeling.
He stands as the indisputable model for life; of how to listen and really get what is going on inside another person. He teaches only Love, for that is what He is. And this kind of listening is a piece of the love He is. His compassion is complete.
But lo, a caution to this tale. If I cling to all my former ways of communicating, I will FAIL.
Some things I simply must let go:
The word “but” as in, “I’m sorry you’re frustrated, but you’ve gotta do it anyway” or “I love you but I can’t let you do this," have GOT. TO. GO. When encouraging or admonishing another, BUT cancels out whatever came before it in the sentence, usually the loving part. So, drop your buts right here and you’re halfway there.
The biggest let go for me has been telling my people what they should, need or ought to do..on a regular daily basis. “You should’ve been ready 5 minutes ago” or “You should try to see the problem from their side.” “You need to be on time” or “Don’t you think you ought to get up now?” Instead, now I might ask, “Which task do you want to do first?” “What else needs doing before you’re ready to go?” or “Would you like some help with _____?” “I’m so sorry that happened. What do you think you’ll do?” I am learning that the vast majority of my advice, the “should’s, need’s and oughts” have been filling up airspace with heavy energy that settles down onto my shoulders and makes my people feel less and less free, even more grumpy, whiny and resistant.
When my husband test drove this new way of listening last week…wow. Nailed it. He created a soft place in my heart that has longed for this very flavor of connection. Everyone does. It will take a little practice, but it’s a tool that wants to be shared, especially between spouses and lovers. I am all for giving the most meaningful gifts of love, gifts St. Valentine's may never have known and Hallmark can’t put in a card. You may be wondering how a book titled, I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better could possibly be about Compassion.
Check it, I cannot really make anything all better for anyone. I cannot unbreak the breakup for Tanner and his girl, or shine away the chaos in our teenagers high school classroom, or keep away the factors that will cause my people difficulty or pain. They must be allowed to feel what they feel. When I fear what they feel, or deny it or fight it, I’m living in fear, denial and compulsion… and everyone’s peace and power fly out the window. Yet, when I walk with and invite them to share (with my validating questions and phrases) with my eye single to reaching that tiny seat behind the eyes, there is tender love, hope floats faster and they heal from within. My compassion connects them not just to me, but also to their compassionate Creator…merely by the way I listen.